It happens the same way every time. I know where to look for the warning signs now. I see the stack of books on my wife’s nightstand: healthy eating, parenting trends, financial advice. Blogs maintained by individuals with extreme lifestyles pepper my browser history. Or subtle hints are dropped like, “You’re not really going to spend your money on that ridiculous technology gadget, you unhealthy piece of shit.”
After eight happy years of marriage, I realize that when these omens present themselves, something drastic and potentially crazy is about to go down in our house. I have to say though, as much as I dread any type of change, these little experiments are hardly ever as bad as I imagine. Some have resulted in pretty big flops for me personally, such as the time when the Atkins diet helped me shed 30 pounds but had my cholesterol reading at “butter.” Other times, these severe lifestyle-change adventures resulted in getting our finances and my physique in the best shape either of them had been in.
This particular adventure was a seven-day raw-food detox. My wife and I have been mostly vegan for more than two years, along with forgoing salt, oil, and sugar about 95% of the time. So how much harder would it be to keep eating loads of vegetables but without cooking them? To be clear, eating a raw food diet means only consuming uncooked fruit, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. The detox plan encourages strictly limiting high-fat foods like almond butter and avocado to promote quick weight loss. I was sad to learn my intake of healthy fats would be so limited, but the upside was unlimited quantities of fruit. Still, this would actually be quite a departure from many of the foods we’d been eating on the regular. For seven days we said goodbye to oil, beans, bread, rice, and pasta, in addition to anything that comes from an animal.
With the rules in place, we embarked on our chosen challenge, and I kept a journal about it all as evidence in case my body was found drowned in a vat of ice cream somewhere. I present for you now, the account of my descent into the beneficial madness of eating raw.
Day 1
Breakfast was a big smoothie with leafy greens, bananas, berries, pineapple, and carrot juice. So far so good, since this is actually the same breakfast as usual. Lunch was a gigantic salad with as many colors on the color wheel as possible. This is also not a departure from my normal eating style, but this time instead of cooked sweet potato and black beans on my giant salad, I had sliced apple and extra mushrooms. The salad dressing was fresh-squeezed lime, lemon, and orange. Dinner was a tex-mex “burrito” of corn, jicama, tomatoes, bell pepper, onion, and radish wrapped in a big piece of iceberg lettuce and topped with an avocado and cilantro dressing. After about four of those bad-boys I devoured half of a large watermelon. My stomach was so full but I didn’t feel gross, like after eating a pizza (Forgive me, pizza!). At bedtime I was a little hungry so I had an apple. This is a snap, right?
Day 2
Day two began with a smoothie, and lunch consisted of a rather large bowl of vegetables with another all-veggie dip blended up in our Vitamix. It was actually very satisfying. I feel good. I’m doing it! I even had the energy to take the dog for a really long walk. He was good so I gave him a treat. Hmmm. Pup-peroni. These smell really, really good. Like beef jerky. This is just beef jerky, right? Let me just read the ingredients. Caramel color. Garlic powder. Oh my god. I’m contemplating eating dog treats. Get a hold of yourself, man!
Seriously though, a lot of the unhealthy foods we consume are addicting, and not because they are delicious and we’re being a little liberal with the use of the word addiction. Our taste buds become addicted to the intensity of flavors and certain smells can trigger phantom hunger pangs for food that is…close to dog food.
Day 3
Dear Raw Food Enthusiast Instagram Celebrity who planted this devilish idea in my wife’s brain. I will find you. I will destroy you.
I won’t lie – at times it was tough to eat raw. But for the most part, I was actually getting used to eating this way. I liked all the food. I was feeling virtuous, self-righteous even. I was less and less hungry between meals, and had this odd kind of high and energy. Maybe it was something physical and psychological. Whatever it was, there’s no denying I felt really good about what was going into my body. That, and by this point I had already lost 5 pounds.
