Being a good conversationalist doesn’t just mean you’re able to speak intelligently about a variety of topics. It means you’re someone people enjoy talking to and whose company people seek. In other words, you’re able to talk with people, and not just to them or at them.
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So how do you do that? How can you attract people to yourself and your ideas, instead of alienating them? According to a recent Psychology Today article, it starts by changing the proportion of three kinds of sentences you use in your conversation, the “rule of three” so to speak:
- Cut back on declarations
Statements of “fact,” or at least something you’re claiming is a fact, e.g. “Nebraska is the only state in the U.S. that has a unicameral legislature.” A statement that is truly declarative can be verified by some evidence. Unfortunately, too many supposedly declarative sentences are really disguised opinions, e.g. “A nationalized health plan will never work in this country.” A conversation with 100% declaratives, and a predominance of opinions, is a conversation that’s really all about the speaker.
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- Increase the number of questions you ask
Ways we “license” others to contribute what they know and believe. Questions personalize a conversation and allow others to feel that they’re participating in it, rather than enduring it: “Where are your favorite places to travel?” “What do you think about the candidates?” “How are you dealing with that challenge?” A fair number of questions in your conversation shows that you’re willing to share the stage with the other person or people.
- Use conditionals when expressing an opinion
Also called qualifiers, these are ways of expressing our views, opinions, and perspectives gently, with specific acknowledgement that others have the right to see things differently. Example: “I can’t speak for everyone, but taking melatonin supplements doesn’t seem to help me sleep.” Consider the comparatively dogmatic alternative, “Melatonin is no good for insomnia.” The self-reference form—”It seems to me…”; “As far as I know…”; “I think I read somewhere that…”; “I’m not completely certain, but I think…”—conveys in a subtle way that you respect the other person’s right to a different viewpoint, and signals that you’ll treat their ideas with respect, even if you disagree.
Curated article from:
Psychology Today
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