“Nope,” she said. “I’m cutting you off until you clean up your act down there.”So my wife recently blackmailed me into getting my balls waxed. Yup, not proud of it but it’s true. Here is the deal. I am a 45-year-old dad and have been married to my lovely wife for 15 years. And get this: I still love getting blow jobs. Call me crazy but it just never gets old. Truth be known, she does not take care of me in that way very often. But when she does I am really fucking appreciative.
It was a standard Sunday night after the kids had gone to sleep. We were reading in bed when I reached over to try and get the party started. But she stopped me. “Nope,” she said. “I’m cutting you off until you clean up your act down there.” I run at about an 85 percent conversion rate with my wife, so I was surprised by the cockus blockulus . She had made this threat before but had eventually relented. This time she seemed to have a lot more resolve. She spelled out the simple math for me:
You = likes blow jobs. Me ≠ likes hair in my mouth.
“I have been keeping myself neatly kept for you for the last 15 years. Its your turn. How would you like it if every time you went down, there was a nappy dugout waiting for you?”
She had a point.
This is generally how my thought process goes. “I am a man, and I am hairy. Deal with it. It is natural. Waxing is for women and the gays.” But this time, she meant it. She told me if I did it, she would make it worth my while and promised me oral rewards. She also informed that she “would not touch it” until I did. She gave me a business card for a salon called “Pink Cheeks” and told me she had an appointment set for me the coming Friday.
On the day of the appointment I was nervous as hell for a couple of reasons. 1) How humiliating and painful was this going to be? A small Asian woman having a tug of war with my beanbag? 2) What if I pull wood during the procedure? Look, I have been happily married for a long time. How am going to respond to a woman that is not my wife playing with my junk? Would I launch rocket? A lazy lob? And how creepy and embarrassing is that going to be? Oh god, the shame. Or maybe you just to have own it. “Yeah, I am pulling wood right now. So what? Carry on with your job Yoko Ono.”
