For the sake of simplicity, this article is written assuming a heterosexual relationship. The words wife and partner are used interchangeably.
One little phrase has happily married men screaming out in primal anguish and dropping to their knees as they shake their fists toward the heavens. Those words? SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
Just look at the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. People are obviously interested in having erotic, exciting sex. So, if that’s the case, why do so many couples fall into snore-inducing sexual ruts?Stories have been popping up online about some couples who, after years of married life, have mutually and contentedly come to this arrangement. And while it’s wonderful for them if they’re happy, to those of us in younger relationships it seems more like a legally bound friendship than matrimony.
Just look at the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. People are obviously interested in having erotic, exciting sex. So, if that’s the case, why do so many couples fall into snore-inducing sexual ruts?
Michelle Herzog, AMFT, a sex and relationship therapist in Chicago, estimated that about 80 percent of the cases she sees at the Center for Mindful Living are desire discrepancy cases, where one partner wants more sex than the other.
Despite what our culture would have you believe, she said these cases are a solid 50/50 split between men and women being the more desirous partner.
While lack of desire – or its prospect – is frustrating, it’s a totally normal part of the ebb and flow of any relationship, she said.
“It’s typically something else – relationship problems, stress, relationship with kids, unresolved issues – it’s never a cut and dry scenario. Couples get into really damaging sexual patterns and they build up some pretty negative habits.”Michelle Herzog“There will be many periods where desire will dip for either person, so just because there is low desire now does not mean there will be low desire in the future,” she said.
While low testosterone or waning female libido are to blame sometimes, it’s often not the case until couples get older. Herzog said that until you reach 70 or so, testosterone typically will not be a major problem. At 40, T levels are nowhere near where they were when you were 16, but they typically aren’t low enough to play a major role in desire loss.
“It’s typically something else – relationship problems, stress, relationship with kids, unresolved issues – it’s never a cut and dry scenario,” Herzog said. “Couples get into really damaging sexual patterns and they build up some pretty negative habits.”