Keeping Desire Alive Avoiding the Sexless Marriage

Katehakis gives her clients the same advice.

“They have to be able to give partner space because we’re much more interesting and sexy when we come back with new experiences,” she said. Seeing your partner in different contexts where they really shine and succeed can also be a huge turn on and breed more desire.

“When see them doing something they are really good at – public speaking or the rowing team… – any time they are really in their milieu and really capable, there is an arousal to that,” Katehakis said.

You can also revisit your relationship’s roots to try to bring back these old feelings of anticipation and eroticism.

“Revisit the beginning of your relationship,” Katehakis said. “What was it during courtship that made you feel like you had your finger in a light socket? Sometimes it was just gazing across the dinner table.”

Building invigorating experiences out of the familiar. Herzog said this might be the 50 Shades of Grey-style experimentation, but in general, that doesn’t seem to create long-lasting desire.

The simple act of making eye contact can be a surprisingly powerful, and possibly uncomfortable, way to restore your passion. Katehakis said to simply sit knee to knee and look into your partner’s eyes, trying to make it to four minutes or more.

“Most people feel it’s the most vulnerable thing they’ve ever done,” Katehakis said. “That builds novelty, and it’s that novelty that builds eroticism.”

Herzog emphasized the importance of play as a way of reactivating the honeymoon phase. Because attachment with your partner has set in, these little moments of fun can take the pressure off so that erotic feelings have a chance to resurface.

“Act like kids,” she said. “Do fun things together where your adrenaline spikes. It creates a sense of closeness and intimacy, and while it may not lead to sex, it could.”

To help her clients, Herzog said she uses sensate focusing, a series of touching exercises that allows partners to get sexually reconnected to each other’s bodies. She said that touch is vital for healthy sex lives and each partners needs to advocate for their own pleasure by telling their partner what turns them on.

“Is it cuddling? “ Herzog said. “Showering together? Making out? Erotically touching each other? Couples need to spend time connecting in a very intimate way. They can cultivate desire that way but many people don’t want to take the time.”

To get creative sexual energy flowing, Katehakis’s Center for Healthy Sex offers daily email meditations, complete with daily healthy sex acts to try. You can sign up at CenterforHealthySex.com.