Sex After Kids
In yet another hilarious jokes-on-you paradox, couples have sex, have kids, and then stop having sex. Experts agree that potential parents need to be realistic about what their lives will look like after having children, with less time, different responsibilities, and a (likely) shift in the frequency or intensity of sex.
Whether a standing date night or a weekend away every few months, planned time together is vital for parental sex lives.For people who are already parents, partners need to discuss the importance of keeping their marriage a priority. As is becoming more common in this day in age, the kids take center stage and the marriage drops down to slot number ten, Herzog said. For those who need a reason to prioritize the marriage, Herzog emphasized how important it is to model a healthy relationship for the kids.
If this talk of prioritizing seems to lack spontaneity, it’s time to let go of that prerequisite. Perel writes that today’s parents have to embrace planning to keep sex a part of the marriage. To one couple that balked at the idea of scheduled sex, she replied:
“Planning can seem prosaic, but in fact it implies intentionality, and intentionality conveys value,” she writes. “When you plan for sex, what you’re really doing is affirming your erotic bond. It’s what you did when you were dating. Think of it as prolonged foreplay— from twenty minutes to two days.”
Whether a standing date night or a weekend away every few months, planned time together is vital for parental sex lives. These excursions can also help reduce the stress that impedes eroticism. As Katehakis pointed out, more sex is had on vacations than any other time.
A little give and take also needs to take place for a sex life to continue flourishing. Katehakis confirms the “design flaw” that men feel closer when they are sexually connected and women feel closer when they feel “esteemed, close, and understood.”
A woman might have to refocus some of the attention off the kids and back to her husband and sex life to get the connection she craves, and a husband might have to be a bit more supportive of an exhausted wife, giving ample room for just talking or cuddling, to get the sex he wants.
“It’s about making an overture to the person you care most about in the world, and I think this is what it means to have an adult sexuality,” Katehakis said.
She said in many couples this might mean the man brings the courtship, romance and intrigue back.
“I had a guy say, ‘If you want me to fill the bathtub with bubbles and light candles, I’m just not that guy. I said, ‘Well, you’re not going to get laid,’” Katehakis said.
“When women feel underappreciated that may feel like they are just being used for sex. Women are usually willing to do just about anything if they feel safe, secure, and loved. If they don’t feel like that, any sex will feel like an infringement.”
Herzog said that many men have to look at their wife’s new role as mother and “show up” in a really connected way, recognizing that sex is not going to be like a it was in the beginning.
And some self-improvement never hurts for both parties. Prescribing meditations for constantly connected, distracted couples, Herzog said she encourages clients to unplug and refocus. Herzog said she focuses a lot on the “differentiation of self,” so they can show up to the relationship as their best selves.
“How can you become stronger within yourself so you can be the best person for the relationship?” she said.
Looking Forward
We all know that things are going to get trickier as we get older. Libido and hormone levels at 40 are not what they will be in 10, 20, or 30 years. Women will begin menopause. Men’s vascular health can make erections more challenging. But there should still be some good years ahead. More and more men are refusing the fate of lower T levels and are undergoing hormone replacement now more than ever before, Katehakis said.
“People don’t see it coming and before they know it they’re 65, and they don’t know what to do,” Katehakis said.
“It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t ever want to end up in a sexless marriage.’ It’s the same as saying, ‘I don’t want to retire to a golf course.’”
Although difficult, redefining the role sex plays in older marriage can be exciting.
“They might have to say, ‘yeah, our bodies are changing and it might mean that we need more foreplay, or oral sex, or sex toys, or we talk about fantasies that are embarrassing,” she said. “It gets more challenging, but it can get more erotic or interesting.”
How to Maintain Desire Cheatsheet
1.) Embrace separateness
2.) Recreate the beginning
3.) Watch your partner in their element
4.) Foster novelty
5.) Make eye contact
6.) Get playful
7.) Touch each other
8.) Talk honestly
9.) Have a planned date night
10.) Ditch the myth of spontaneity
11.) Look inward and improve yourself